We like to think of life and career in terms of progress and achievement and moving forward or upwards… but that’s not really how it is, is it? It’s more like spiraling, maybe like sine waves, perhaps chaos. But no, not chaos, because there are repeating patterns and cycles. Twenty years ago I left Denver because it was too cold and icy and snowy. Now I’m back and truly it is too cold and icy and snowy. Everyone says, “you know, don’t you, it’s not usually like this?” but all I remember is that I left because it was too wintry.
I was trying to find the post where I argued in favor of having a third child. I also found a Blogging ennui post written on February 10th, 2005. So it seems that February is a bad month for me, a month of angst and stress and illness. In 2005, that was compounded by my decision to give up caffeine, a decision that was swiftly reversed when I realized how dull my coffee-less existence was.
Now that I know I’m in the grips of a regular cyclical down phase in my life I also recall that March is good but April is better. April is my birthday month (I’ll be 39, if you’re wondering) and the birthday month of my husband, my dad, and my delightful third child Laura. In Denver, April is the last month of the year we’ll see a snowstorm–and we often see snowstorms on my late April birthday–but we also get beautiful spring flowers and warmer days.
I hated that Hawaii had no seasons: the hibiscus were circus-colorful all year round. How could we appreciate them when they were always there? I did still–but it was nothing like the ecstasy of Virginia’s springtime azaleas and dogwood after winter’s dreariness. The lack of rhythms on Maui other than the rhythms of tourism–a lot of tourists and then a whole lot of tourists and a lot of tourists again–made it deadly dull.
I used to want to get someplace when I was younger, I was always waiting to arrive: I wanted a different house maybe in a different state or a promotion in my job or to get through the pain of whatever painful thing was happening to me emotionally.
Now I want to keep doing the same things over and over again but maybe in a different key sometimes or with different backup singers or in a different arrangement. I want Nietzschean eternal recurrence except the intra-life version. I’m happy with what I have and if I can redo it again and again, into eternity, I will be satisfied. I am satisfied, even if it is February.
6 Comments
I guess the main thing to do is to know there’s an end, that it’s temporary. I heard from a friend of mine who studies Buddhism that this is one of the main concepts - the temporariness of it all.
When I was a teenager, I heard a Latin phrase, “sic transit gloria mundi” meaning “thus passes the glory of the world,” and I thought that was a dark, dismal phrase. Since then, I don’t think so.
Leaves fall off the trees in the winter. They change color. That’s what makes them beautiful.
Yes, it is temporary, of course. But like you say, the transientness is part of the beauty of it all.
Ok, honestly not much to contribute except to say that you just didn’t see the best of Maui. I’ve been there several times and I would consider moving if the job situation wasn’t so bad. If you ever go again, look me up, I’ll make sure you have the time of your life.
Dave - it’s not that Maui wasn’t beautiful, it’s that it didn’t suit my temperament. The living is slow, there are too many tourists and retirees and not enough ambitious people my age, and there aren’t any seasons. I will never live there again. Go as a visitor? Maybe, but I think I’d rather go to the Big Island. We never made it there though we did visit Oahu, Kauai, and Lanai.
Anne,
“I used to want to get someplace when I was younger, …” speaks to me, too. I could also add “I used to want to be someone when I was younger”
Now these thoughts provide wry amusement, or is it wisdom, or is that just a synonym for wry amusement?
I realized recently I am someone. It only took 40 years! I was reflecting back on an assignment a colleague of mine used to assign her students when they were tasked with writing their autobiographies at the tender age of 13. This talented educator would have her students write their epitaph. Wow. Did that make them think about what they wanted to accomplish! Having been graduated from the University of Virginia, I was always impressed with Thomas Jefferson’s choices for his epitaph.
As I thought about my ideal epitaph, I realized that everything on it spoke to relationships. Father. Husband. Brother. Son. My job titles certainly weren’t on it, neither were the lastest reports I had produced.
At last, I KNOW that it is the journey, not the destination, that provides life’s flavors. And it is the people in my life and my relationships with them that are my purpose. Everything else, well, it’s just there. Trivial trappings can assume non-trivial importance to me when I get caught up in the culture around me. But now I can laugh at my own antics.
Speaking of seasons, is it a season of life common to most people to come to this realization, and must it take so long. Or is this more of a ‘weather event’ that some of us are fortunate enought to experience, some sooner than others?
Thanks for your thoughts, Anne. I really enjoyed reading them.
John - and thanks for your comments. I guess I haven’t yet given up the goal of being someone except that the someone I want to be is myself in fullness–and I keep searching after that. It includes all my relationships and I do find that more and more it’s the relationships that matter to me and my work is just a way of making them and deepening them.
Wisdom as “wry amusement.” I love that. So true. If we can keep an attitude of wry amusement most times, wouldn’t that be helpful. Of course there are times when we can only feel deep sadness (as with the tragedy that hit your au pair’s family recently). Then we feel again how important our relationships are.
Looking forward to seeing you soon.
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